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It is often very difficult to have a conversation with our children
when they are so used to giving one- or two-word answers. "How was
school today?" "Fine." Often they take our interest in their lives as
just trying to flex our parental muscles. To counteract this
impression, we need to create a special occasion.
 When my daughter was a
preteen, she would come home obviously depressed from something that had taken place that day in school. I
would attempt to get her to talk about it but it never seemed to work.
So I started setting up "tea
time," as we had enjoyed when she was little, and she soon felt safe and free enough to tell me what was
wrong. There were even times as a teenager that she would suggest tea
time before I had sensed her need for one.
In this setting
your children will feel more on an equal basis with you, rather than as a
parent and child. Our tea times let me deeper into
my daughter's life, where I could then offer help and encouragement.
Start making
tea time an occasional event with your children -- regardless of their age. Plan
separate tea times for each of your children. Have the supplies you
need for tea time always on hand for quick setup when you feel your child needs a little
extra support.
Planning your
first tea time
Create an invitation from an appropriate blank greeting card and
mail it to your child. Actually putting it in the mail will add
formality to the invitation. The wording can be something like: "The honor of your
presence is requested," followed by the date and time.
 Select the tea according to your
"guest." A young child may be better suited to
"tea" made with apple juice instead of
real tea and water. A teen might go for something with an unusual name;
Earl Grey tea can become any name you need from their current
lingo.
The following list of items you will need is a guideline for a
formal tea time. You should feel free to make tea
times less formal if you feel your child would be more comfortable, but remember that the intent
is to make them feel special. Drinking from a china tea cup may be
a new experience for them, but inside they will feel special and look
forward to the next tea invitation -- even if they won't admit it.
-- tea cup and saucer
-- dessert plate
-- silverware
-- napkin
For your table you will need:
-- teapot
-- sugar bowl
-- creamer
-- bowl if using lemon wedges
-- serving silverware
-- tablecloth
-- serving dishes for foods
-- centerpiece or other table decoration
Make your
tea time a time for just the two of you to converse easily and without pressure.
I would suggest turning off all telephones.
 Give
your children your full attention when they talk -- and full eye
contact. Begin a conversation with questions not directly related to
them and slowly move into more personalized questions.
Don't expect your first attempt
to open the flood gates, although it just might. As you have more tea
times with your children, they will begin to feel more comfortable.
Tea time is about making them feel special, safe and secure.
When we create a
special moment for ourselves and someone we love, it lasts well beyond the moments it took to
create.
Copyright
© 2004-2006 by Patricia Roberts. All rights reserved.
Patricia
Roberts is co-owner of Coffee Tea & Thee. Visit her website.
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